Coming up with an idea for today’s blog post, I pretty much batted the air aimlessly trying to grasp an introduction that would serve as a mouth-watering appetizer and draw you, the reader, in for more. Well, I’m no Applebee’s and this is no “2 for 20.” So, with that being said, you have my blessing to pull a Whoopi and Joy from “The View” and walk out abruptly. For those who are interested in seeing some country on a little joy ride, sit back, enjoy the sights and try not to get sick because it’s been a while since I’ve driven a clutch so the sudden stalling and going may make your stomach the Shawn Johnson of organs with its gut gymnastics.
Quenching the thirst that vehicles have is not an easy task when they have the flavor of the gasoline juice on their taste buds. They drink the fuel to revitalize themselves like a boring white man uses the “sauce” as liquid confidence. Just as a social drinker feels comfortable talking to strangers with a glass of adult beverage in their hand, the car feels like a playah when the nozzle is in its side. Suck it up, vehicle, it costs me “X” amount of dollahz for you to socialize and have water cooler talk with some gorgeous red-haired car you called “Vette” for short. A car with your looks better not even think of going to bed with something of that class by being parked by its side in the garage. We’ve seen cars with horrible birth defects already, or do I need to refresh your memory? Does the Toyota brand ring a bell and turn your daytime running lights on? I can grab a picture of a P.T. Cruiser if you’d like, and ask if you would feel comfortable having your babies look like that. I would get you “fixed” by pulling the battery cables off the connection if you came back with a “yes” answer to that question.
Gas guzzlers are the alcoholics of the auto world; up to the pump, and belly up to the bar. Regular unleaded is the can of PBR and Super Premium is like a fine wine. Both can set my car into a trance and have it flagged by law enforcement for a DUI if it drowns its high mileage in the fluid. I JUST filled you up a day or two ago and now you’re thirsty again!? Not only that, but you require that I carry around a gas can which I labeled “Vehicle sippy cup” that you can tap into anytime you please. Do you piss it out like one with overactive bladder? My gosh! I keep pumping and pumping…Come up for some air would ya, geez!? To top it all off, when I drive you away from the little swingin’ car night club, you resemble a child as you model the milk and or grape juice mustache on your bug-filled grill. Maybe, I should just hook up an IV by installing a gas tank like the farmers and construction workers do so they don’t have to listen to your fussing “Low Fuel” chime. The least you could do is get a part-time job and help forking over a small portion of the cost. I’ll keep that idea in my back pocket along with “Save 5 cents off Your Next Fill” card.
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