The Language of Lure

I thought I’d keep a streak going when it pertains to visiting this blog.  Raising the ante to this deal, I thought that I would not only drop in more frequently, but also come bearing gifts—a lil’ something called a post.  How does it feel, Funny Bone Laugh Lines, to chow down on crow meat? If I do recall, you were the one imitating LeBron James as you counted the number of weeks I would be considered a no show.  “Not two…Not three…Not four…Not five…Not six…Not seven…”  No worries.  I once said that the Statue of Liberty was never going to wear pajama pants with the label “Made in China” on them, but she decided to class it up a bit and put something imported on those coppertone hips.  With that being said, it’s nice to see that this blog set an extra place at the table for me along with light compliments of the candle and a well-balanced meal of “See I told you so.”  Do I smell flirtation served on a hot plate?

  Pick-up lines are more identifiable in social situations than a “Seinfeld moment.” As a matter of fact, in the world of talk where Oral B is the “Norm” of Cheers, pick-up lines are Hallmark’s form of amateur night. These one-liners are the voice’s student-driver marked vehicles as they auto-parallel park in dysfunctional manner into a woman’s ear.  Written in the owner’s manual of lines to which assembly of wit is required, it is recommended that these phrases be used once and then destroyed—not to be confused with Miami Heat’s Big Three.  In fact, if found out that these wooing words from the Shakespearian short-bus tour had been verbally copied and pasted, the relationship would destined to be shorter than a pair of Daisy Dukes.   

If verbage could prostitute themselves, these words—property of the playah commonly referred to as the Y2K compliant Romeo—would be the hos pimped-out on the street corner better known as the bar scene.  With the sincerity of Mother Nature’s love taps during her “time of the month” and legit as the leather feel on the seats of a classic base model Ford Taurus, pick-up lines play on the heart strings like Jimi Hendrix to an acoustic guitar.  Pick-up lines—one-liners in which words themselves puke a little in their mouths due to them being lamer than a Christopher Reeves replica bobble-head doll and original as a Hollywood remake from Tristar Pictures.  The Spike Lee of the English language (a professional evil twin of “Gotcha Journalism”) as they heckle during the orientation of on-site dating, and causes the potential for “Bow Chicka Wow Wow” to fail like the glitch-filled computers at United Airlines and become clipped out like a coupon.

Basically, if pick-up lines are attempted, prepare to have the sexcapade cruise out in a hearse because these words will strikeout (worse than Lady Gaga’s attempts to be normal) during the conversation.  Also, plan on having “A Date” along with “First Base” viewed open casket and the smooth operatah act as pallbearer once these lines strut their stuff like an out-of-work-porn-starred-cupid with a dim-witted arrow.   

Flower Power

I haven’t paid a visit to Funny Bone Laugh Lines in a few weeks, yet the ol’ Internet Explorer could still navigate the information highway and decipher the exact path en route to this blog—with a little help from a scent called “lack of maintenance” that permeated from its front yard of course.   The ever-so-present tall grass occasionally reaping the benefits of an interest bearing deposit in the form of dog pooh that randomly fertilized parts of the lawn by giving it a greener/richer look, debris and the dreaded Devil in disguise called the Dandelion were all well-known landmarks to helping in the search of this site seeping with sarcasm—but now to topic “A” on the discussion list.

The Dandelion is the acne breakout to what was better known as a well manicured lawn.  An offspring of the flower turned white trash.  They can blindside grassy plain properties and come dressed as an entrée consisting of a five-fingered-fist punch with indigestion; simply defined as nature’s way of kicking the yard in the ovaries.  It’s the high school dropout of flowers with a face like Sally Jesse Raphael, tacky as customers portrayed on peopleofwalmart.com and obnoxiousness similar to Ed Schultz on the airwaves.   A bad rash to the lawn—its acquisition of an STD—or compatible to the ABC network picking up a bad pilot episode and succumbing to its failure.  They’re a flowered version of an annoying set of in-laws that get stormed-in during a holiday get together.  Has the annoying equivalence to the voice of PBS’ character Lamb Chops, and keeps coming back after cuts like the “Song That Never Ends” sung by Sherri Lewis’ hand puppets.  The quantity of this flower outside house fronts is representation to the number of times Harold Camp will predict the world is going to end with his miscalculations.  Nicknamed Tiger Wood’s revealed many mistresses due to the way Dandelions pop-up on a homeowner’s grassy yard like a cheap University of Phoenix internet ad.  Weeds of the yard dressed in summer-casual clothing that was attained only through its bargaining at garage sales and shop-‘til-you-drop thrift store purchases.  Elderly plants of this genre turning the lawn into a Del Boca Vista senior retirement living premises, with their symmetrical fuzzy heads, imitating a hairdo comparable to that of the famous Prairie Public Television painter Bob Ross, give the front yard the “growth spurt with a walker and social security check” look.  And when deceased, these ghetto hand-picked flowers symbolize the skeleton in the closet of the yard—kind of like Newt Gingrich’s life set to lawn.

Spring time gets tangled by the fraudulent fellow of the flower each year, and each year this Dandelion returns to the lawn and defiles it like a dog returning to its vomit and chows down like a Thanksgiving meal.   I guess you could say in a way that this plant is like the Cadbury bar when it told Naomi Campbell to move over ‘cause there’s a new diva in town.  Since Kobe was not informed of the Lakers’ hiring of a new head coach, did anybody get his opinion if this was alright?