There’s no such thing as a free lunch. Can I please get this cliché laminated with a little glitter bow on top and have it sent via UPS to the moochers in society? I don’t want to pay anything out of pocket for it to get delivered V.I.P. class, however. Just point, click and ship. “What can brown do for you?”… With nothing in return. You probably thought I was going to belt off a few lyrics to the song to which this title was attributed to, but I threw you for a loop like the statements that Roger Clemens made to the Senate committee concerning his involvement in steroids. Hmm…I must have misspoke like Rod Blagojevich. My bad.
Where are the people that live off of freebies and free samples? I have a very calm, cool and collected response for you: (Looking frantically) Does it say “nonprofit organization” anywhere in the words “capitalistic free market”!? Geez, maybe I should’ve switched-up to a stronger prescription in reading specs, because I didn’t see any correlation between the two. The way I see it, one of the phrases is telling the other to go suck a fat one! What do you expect for free? NOTHING packaged in bulk with the traditional “handle with care—this side up” written boldly in all caps along the top. Better round up some strong able bodies to assist in the carrying of items weighing up to ZERO. Redistribute the wealth of NOTTA to others. While you’re at it, hand it out with a LARGE side order of BONE DRY. Businesses are cutting back in this economy because you don’t get a lot of NOTHING for NO charge like you once did back in the day. Take advantage of it. Better bottle up that ZILCH and save it for a rainy afternoon. The P.S. on the invite I sent to you, moocher—Bring a plateful of EMPTY to share with everybody to enjoy! NOTHING is now tax deductible, and just might get you that moolah missing-in-action refund you’ve been banking on. Side note: Uncle Sam wants his fare share of the BIG GOOSE EGG as well. This country doesn’t run on EMPTY. Be prepared to cough it up in the form of a DRY HEAVE. DO NOTHING; schedule accordingly, ya lazy tool! From the blank stares flow the rivers of NOTHING. Great volunteer work; will dedicate it as the deeds of the VOID! Spend NOTHING get NONE with NO payments until NEVER! You get what you pay for, cheapo. STOP! Your subscription to NIL is about to expire. This CLEAR space is your final issue. This week only, don’t spend a thing and receive an assorted choice of NOTHING. You may receive other options online at our site that states, “Current Page Unavailable.” NOTHING. NOTTA. ZILCH. ZEEEEROOOO. Looking for a spacious one bedroom apartment with a nice view, respectable tenants, water, heat and central air paid for $0 a month? I know a place. Great location too—it’s called the STREETS! You can take your EMPTY promises and stuff ‘em in a sack, mister. NO money? NO problem. NO service.
NO offense.
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