Did They Really Lead Storybook Lives??

Before storybook characters sit down to negotiations between their agents and proud parents of America, what actions are taken to legitimize their pureness?  Do they go through a series of grilling questions spewed forth from some Senate committee? Do they participate in a polygraph test to cement the fact that they are wholesome individuals worthy of the task of putting your kids to sleep? Does Golden Books pitch in a few bucks from their profits to initialize a background check?  Hmm.  To answer these concerns, let’s take some of these classics out of the time chest, wipe the dust off their personas, and gag from the mothball scent as proof of preservation.  Dim the lights and begin the interrogation.

The Three Little Pigs:  Although no real convictions popped up, one was accused with conflict of interest as he endorsed Jenny Craig due to his problem with obesity.  Another confessed that the funds used to build his brick house were from penny pinching and switching to Geico; therefore, enabling him to save 15% or more on car insurance.  Wikipedia crashed as I researched the last pig so due to such complications no dirt was found.  Possible jailed for selling property with a scratched off serial number—a Remington raza.

The Three Bears:  Two words describe their past:  Laundry List.  Poppa Bear had a couple of red flags.  One was a traffic violation back in ’85 where he refused to yield the right of way, the other was D.U.I after an all-night party celebrating the newly acquired role as a Sesame Street recurring character.  Breaking in and entering ’88. Momma Bear claimed she “honestly neglected” to pay the I.R.S. funds she received after performing exotic moves at a local night club in ’74, and posed nude for Playboy at an undetermined time. The child bear was accused of shop lifting at a Seven Eleven.  He claims that his soda at home was toooo waaarm and wanted something more refreshing.

Hensel and Gretel:  Faces appeared on a plastic bag under the words “Missing and Endangered.” Engaged in business through email and cell phone texts. 

Little Red Riding Hood:  This one is a dozy. During the making of this legendary story, Chris Hansen in “To Catch a Predator” stopped by for a little surprise visit.  Questioning the Big Bad Wolf, Hansen holds documented chat messages between he (Wolf) and the decoy (Little Red Riding Hood).  He subtly goes to the picnic basket and names off the items Riding Hood was requested to bring.  “Condoms, wine, raw meat??  What were you planning on doing here tonight?”  Needless to say, The Big Bad Wolf is spending a number of years behind bars for luring a minor.

Pepe` Le Pew:  Had a mug shot taken after breaking parole and stalking Penelope Pussycat and failing to register as a sex offender. 

Apparently, character doesn’t matter to these characters; nor does it rank in high importance to the publishers who provide these storybook staff members with jobs.