Its Waking Moment

Who’s your biggest enemy Monday morning?  Who laughs at you when THE time rolls around and has a tow truck service on speed dial in order to pull your poorly paid fanny out of bed? Who calls and leaves voice mail messages on your boss’ answering machine informing them that you are late because you failed to heed the friendly advice of a close acquaintance? I’ll give you a hint:  The noise it makes EVERY morning is annoying as (expletive deleted here).  Give up?  It’s your alarm clock.

During the semi-annual performance review that I had with my waking aide, I listened to it continuously rant and rave of the fact that I over extended its patience by pushing the snooze button.  Coming prepared with a legal pad and pen, I wrote down its concern with intent fashion.  In fact, I had to wipe a single tear from my cheek with a Kleenex enriched with aloe to keep my skin moist and soft.  Ha!  Yeah right!  Who am I trying to kid? I slammed a response back in its face like a steroid-filled hit of Barry Bonds. “You knew when you accepted this job the possibility of getting blown off!”  Somebody must have flipped the switch to its teleprompter ‘cuz there was no comeback to that one-two punch.

The previous Christmas I did compensate by gifting it with a Rolex wristwatch.  Did I mention the engraving on the back?  “Thank you for the gentle nudge every morning, and not going on strike like a group of writer’s guild members back in ‘08.”  I understand that it was a little long in some parts, but there wasn’t a dry eye in the house when I presented it for the 21 years of service.  Of course, it was just me up against the clock, and I still cry at the end of Disney’s Big Green, but that’s beside the point. 

However, I have come to the conclusion that the random flashing of 12:00 is a sign of mental breakdown.  At least that is what the psychology students at U.C.L.A. have troubleshot the problem to be.  Personally, I’m rethinking that this symbolizes its revenge; especially, when it occurs during the night.  After the review of surveillance video, I was devastated to find my alarm clock pull the plug from the outlet, stick its tongue at me while asleep, and then thumb its nose as it flashes continuously some random hour.  A rare mishap?  I don’t think so.  That’s its way of saying not to put it under the bus each morning your late and tell coworkers that you never heard your alarm when clearly you did. 

All in all, it’s a pretty dependable device.  It is never late; therefore not a male, and never moody which gives it a good chance of not being a female.  Never complains about getting up before dawn, or questions the motive.  Unless, you have a Timex; then, you have a reason to pull a Donald Trump’s “You’re Fired!”