S.O.S. Ingrained in the Membrane

I’ve begun to make it a habit to do the ol’ pop-in at least once a week to this blog as a sort of courtesy visit in order to see that the heat is adjusted, the mail picked up and the pipes haven’t burst.  You know, that artificial presence that’s like the ghost-writer of habitation.  It says to the neighborhood “I’m not here right at this moment but feel free to make an appointment with the receptionist up front.”  Regularly stopping by, though, has given some complexion back to Funny Bone Laugh Lines because for a while it looked a little sickly and bore a slight resemblance to Charlie Sheen in combination with a flaring temper like that of the race car driver Danica Patrick.  For a period of time, it was even caught shuffling through the newspaper “want ads” looking for work and posing like the U.S. government as it threatened to shut down and put up the “Page No Longer Available” (which is really the “We’re Closed” sign of the ‘net).  My comeback to this little publicity stunt was to have it sandbag around its perimeters to ward off any floodwaters if Fargo North Dakota’s Red River would have reached forty plus feet during its flood fight.   

Look around society today and you’ll be more rattled than the dance pad of “Dancing with the Stars” after Kristie Alley takes the dance floor as you see all the individuals that can’t think on their own.  In fact, their mug shot is often mistaken for that of the famous baby face that is synonymous with the sold Gerber infant dietary product line.  The makers of this goo goo gah gah gourmet base their sales on the motto:  “Spoon fed for life or your money back—that’s the Gerber Baby challenge.”  No worries.  Just keep sucking the life out of that expense-paid-for pacifier (action that can be equivalent to watching the top golfers play on this year’s Masters Tournament) and linger aimlessly around like the annoying “Seven Year Itch.”  I don’t mind carrying you on my shoulders like a poorly put together back-to-school clearance-shelved back pack as you sit and cry like Tom Brady during his interview of being drafted into the NFL.  It’s no skin off my nose.  And that’s saying a lot since I can legally lease its space and collect rent from tenants who choose to make its quarters their home.

Somebody once coined the phrase:  “Think Big.  Think for yourself!”  Obviously, after people watching for a short period of time comparable to when American Idol was on top in the ratings after the absence of Simon, there’s a select few who’ve decided to give up that 11^th commandment for a lifetime of Lent.  Now instead, holding of these people’s hand is the poor ghetto man’s power of attorney –“the DH of the helpless “in the bottom of the ninth with two outs and bases loaded.  They’re the Great and Wonderful Oz behind the curtain of quadriplegic  gray matter and we’re the puppeteers behind the scenes pulling the strings.  Having to pack a sack lunch due to the long wait behind you in line is shrugged off easily.  It’s become more of a dinner theatre-like atmosphere once the hands of time begin to do shadow puppets after the sun has set because I’ve completely wasted a 24 hour block in my schedule due to your mind’s-eye stigmatism and your brain nodding off to sleep like a recent FAA air traffic controller. Even automated phone systems lose their patience and put you on their “Do Not Call” list because your competence was short changed as the Care Bears when they were up against the Teletubbies for the “Most Believable Fantasy Character in a Dramatic Feature” award.  I’d advise you to join a self-help group, however, that would be like the proverbial blind leading the blind, and the seeing impaired would rather not have mashed potato minds pollute their walk of life. 

In conclusion, I would like to enforce a team of security workers around this blog in case of a possible egging.  I feel that the points previously mentioned created tempers to flare like a bad ‘roid, but the truth hurts—like watching a rerun episode of “The Middle.”  That alone would make you rethink your motives and live a “Do it yourself” lifestyle as you quickly flipped the channel.