The Armchair Passer of Judgement

My apologies for not posting an entry sooner; unfortunately, I had to step through security at the door of this blog.  Refusing to walk through and participate in a full-body scan, I was asked to move to the side and allow my jaw-dropping bootay to be groped.  Agreeing up to a point, I looked Funny Bone Laugh Lines square in the eyes and told him, “If you touch my junk, I’m going to have you arrested.”  Where was the online survey that I could have taken in order to critique that performance?  Everybody’s a critic dot com. 

The Monday morning quarterback comes in more forms than an income tax return and some even appear in real-time.  We’ll just make somebody else do the dirty work because, what the heck, as Will Ferrell would exclaim, “I’m a divisional manager—I drive a Dodge Stratus!” then sit back and question their motives like an annoying backseat driver.  Well, in the ride of life, why don’t I pull the car over, call “shot-gun” and YOU can steer the ship if you’re such a hybrid of expertise!  Not only that, I will act like a Vegas casino slot machine slurring on an overdose of pocket change and spew out criticisms on every decision made.  How does the clog dancing non-orthopedic shoe feel on the other foot now?  Like O.J. Simpson putting on the black leather glove over a latex one during his trial I would probably assume.  Monday morning quarterbacks’ outlook on life is through the kaleidoscope of hindsight.  Sit on the sidelines and watch life flesh itself out on the replay screen, and then immediately categorize yourself as a guru demanding everybody vacuum the red carpet so you can pussy foot your obvious observations.  A framed certificate recognizing your achievement in slothful and drooling cynicism speech has been signed, sealed and delivered to your address for you to proudly display.  For a limited time only, receive a laminated smaller version of this, similar to the Gun Permit card, that can be conveniently stored in your wallet or purse notifying others of your way to exercising the First Amendment. 

In the fabric of society, you, the Monday morning quarterback are the worn- behind portion of the pair of jeans.  Instead of living off the seat of your own pants, you become critical of those who decide to actually function as a human.  My pointer finger extends itself towards your direction and mouths off, “Here’s looking at you, kid!” I’ll be sure to comment thorough constructive criticism your shortcomings and converse them to others first before including you in the “pin the tail on the donkey” routine.